The Vibrant Red Psalms

I wandered the evening streets of downtown Nechaero. There was a faint wind blowing, not warm and not cold. The ground beneath my feet felt solid.

After having walked for a while, I found myself in the town square. It was called a square, but its shape was circular. The silhouette of a fountain statue stood at the centre of the plaza, tall against the red dusk sky. The streams of water running from the fountain produced a continual splashing noise. I inhaled through my nose the evening air, which was made somewhat humid by the fountain. It smelled vaguely of coins and pebbles.

Lampposts lined the circumference of the town square. There were sixteen of them total, each of them alight. There were dark spots in my vision when I looked away from them. The light coming through the windows of buildings surrounding the town square were less bright. Silhouettes moved about beyond the windows. There seemed to be more people inside than outside at this time of the day.

When today began, I had awoken in the lot of the church. As I was waking up, I watched the sunrise for the first time in a while. I was as dirty and tired as I’ve been every day since I came down the mountain months ago. When I finished high school, I didn’t look for a job or go to a university. I stayed with my parents for the better half of a year before they kicked me out.

For as long as I could remember, I didn’t have friends. I could count the number of people I’ve talked to in my high school on one hand. After my time in high school ended, the only people I saw on a daily basis were my parents. Although we lived under the same roof, there were weeks where we didn’t say a word to each other. Even so, after I came down the mountain, what bothered me the most was not the hunger, the bitter lack of a place to sleep, or the constant struggle to survive. What affected me more strongly than anything else was loneliness.

I watched as the evening afterglow receded down the horizon. It was like a pit of slowly dying cinders.

Humans weren’t born to be alone. Humans function as a family, as a friendship, as a society, but not as a solitary being. When the natural requirement of company is neglected, a human falls into a state of distress. What is it that all humans desire the most? Love. And, what is that which lies at the beginning of all evil in this world? Hatred. Love and hatred both populate the heart of a human. Neither one is always more dominant than the other across different people of different ages.

God is said to love all humans. He loves them because they are his creations, and he created them in his own image. However, what God did not create was a perfect replica of himself. His creations are imperfect, and because of their imperfections, they do not all love each other. Love exists in the domain of God, and hatred exists in the domain of mortals. Love is what brings humans closer to God, and hatred is what causes them to stray further away.

God is happy. Humans who are close to God are happier than those who are not. Love makes humans happy. Those who are loved, therein becoming closer to God, will learn to love others. This spreading of love is what causes communities to form among humans. It causes humanity to become happier. Inversely, hatred makes humans unhappy. Similarly to love, those who are hated are pushed away from God, and will learn to hate others. However, unlike love, hatred does not tend to create bonds between people, but rather does the opposite– It creates distance between humans. Humans that are far away from other humans become lonely. They are further from God, further from happiness, and further from humanity.

Wind ran through my hair. I looked up at the dark sky. Stars were softly awakening across the deep blue expanse.

What end lies for those who fall far from God? Sometimes it is nothing but a failed life and a regretful death. In a somewhat counterintuitive way, redemption comes easier to those who are already well-off compared to those who suffer more. Suffering defines the mortal experience, but just because it is innate to humans does not give it any benefits. Humans practise pity on those who suffer more, loving those who are not loved. However, there also exists another quality in humans that counteracts pity. It is called scorn. Those who are hated will hate those who are loved.

In essence, humans will love those who are less loved and hate those who are less hated. However, human relationships comprise both love and hate in varying amounts. A relationship characterised by total love or total hate is something that is nigh-nonexistent. Human relationships also tend to be unequal. A relationship between two people who love and hate each other an equal amount is also something that is nigh-nonexistent.

I breathed out, slowly, blowing a stream of mist. My face was getting cold.

Humans, perhaps, innately desire to be closer to God, that is, to be happy– To love and be loved. The one thing that is most directly in a human’s control is to love. Humans, to a certain degree, have agency in their ability to love, and in that, their ability to be happy. But love is not something that humans automatically do without conviction. There are many circumstances in this world that can lead one astray from God and take away their ability to love. They are circumstances that can affect one’s life from the moment they’re born and last until the moment they die.

Nobody is predestined to be happy, but some are predestined to be unhappy. That is no more than the law of the imperfect mortal world. Those who follow God were born into this world to live, but some people were born only to die.

When today began, I was alone.

When I met a girl whose eyes looked just like mine, I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. If only for just a moment, a moment now fading in my mind, I thought I could love for the first time in my life.

But we were born only to die.

We realised the truth of this world. We realised that we were destined to die alone. Whatever unrealistic romance we though we had was only us pretending that we weren’t fools. We ignored our destiny. We would never see each other again, and we would never see God again.

That’s what I would say if Armi didn’t just come up to me, out of breath from running.

“Humans really are nothing but faithless.”

We sat on opposite sides of the fountain’s basin. The sun had fully set, and the night sky was teeming with stars.

“Even though we can believe in something with all of our hearts and think the exact opposite the next minute, I want to say that I’m sorry, with all of my heart. And, also, thank you, with all of my heart.”

I gazed into the starry night. The shining lights scattered across our universe were truly sublime.

“I know that your feelings are more than just words. There are lots of things that I want to say, too– More than I know the words for. I don’t want you to be sorry. But I know that you need to be. So, I forgive you, and I know you don’t want me to be sorry either, but I am.”

Armi was quiet for a time. She must’ve been looking at the stars, too.

“Then, if we’re both past this, is there a chance that we can go on? With our love.”

The burbling of the fountain filled in the silence.

“We don’t know each other. Our love is just a delusion.”

“Please, I don’t have anybody else to live for but you.”

“Then live for yourself. It’s the only way you can become happy.”

There was the sound of a quiet sobbing in the night.

“I don’t want to be happy if it’s without you.”

“Even so, even though you don’t want to, you’ll become happy. You’ll come to remember these as good times.”

“No, please, I’ll find another job, I’ll start working hard, I’ll never give up on anything ever again. Why can’t that work? Why won’t you stay with me?”

I gazed on at the starry night. It was so vast, and so astoundingly motionless. It humbled me.

“What about you? What about your happiness? Don’t you care about me?”

A cold wind blew by.

“I do. Even so, I’ll become happy. We’ll move on. By the time we’re older, this will all just be a fond memory. We might even meet again some day, when we’ve become better people, when our wounds have healed. Not like the trash we are now. Haha.”

I heard Armi choking back sobs.

“Until that day, will you promise to not forget me?”

“By the time we meet again, we’ll surely be worlds apart. But, in my heart, I will never let you go.”